damik's Diaryland Diary

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Blowing off the dusty diary

Then just as suddenly it gets too quiet and I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. That I'm only good at pretending to be OK when other people are watching.

Will tells me that aw long as I'm working to get better our marriage will work. But what if I get too worn out from working on getting better. What part of me is that really? is it the processing part? is that learned bad behavior?

Why is it that the moment I am left alone I can hate myself so much? I feel as though I'm still acting like a child. Maybe I really was stunted at 14 and I can't grow beyond it.

I can see the hope when I'm with people, when I have somebody to joke with and enjoy the day with I am able to see a reason to try.

It isn't very heroic that I can't find a reason to try just for myself.

I'm failing school, too. This time it feels worse because my father said he was proud of me and now I'm failing.

Fuck me.

9:36 p.m. - 07-19-09
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older entries:

When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13

Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13

It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13

Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13

I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13