damik's Diaryland Diary

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Do they have a wagon for this?

And maybe I am this horrible, manipulative bitch. I think I've said that before. I have reasons for thinking it though, and it has nothing to do with my disordered thoughts. I am upset because he won't pay attention to me so I say such rude things to him. Then I want to hurt myself. See manipulative. I can tell myself I don't want to hurt myself so he will pay attention to me, that I want to hurt myself for being a bitch. Am I lying to myself? I don't know, I've told myself so many things I'm just not sure anymore. What did I want from him really? I know he was busy with his book. I know he had a bad day. I spent much of the day ignoring him, too. I want him to drop everything and pay attention to me now no matter what he is doing. Why? Because I'm an attention demanding whore.

Oh god, he left the fucking key out. I should leave him tonight. I should take the drugs and the key and the left over vodka my mother gave me and see if I can destroy my liver. He's had to put up with a lot of shit from me and I should leave him so I don't put him through any more.

The question is how do I do it? Do I wake him up and tell him its enough? Do I tell him I can no longer live up to the promises I made to him as a wife. Do I pick a fight so he hates me? Do I tell him the truth, that I don't see an end in sight and I want to be finished now so I don't cause him anymore pain? Its midnight and he needs to sleep, maybe I shouldn't say anything. Maybe I should leave a note. Because that worked so well last time.

I probably am borderline. This just isn't a reasonable response to somebody who doesn't want to be poked. People don't like being poked. Even if I was just kidding. We used to play, I don't remember how long its been now. I don't remember a lot of things now, maybe its just the mindset I'm in. Maybe we played last week and I've forgotten because I'm such a sour-pus.

I'm such a drama queen and I've put him through so fucking much, I just need to stop. How do I get back to where I was? How do I want to?

12:24 a.m. - 08-14-09
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older entries:

When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13

Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13

It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13

Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13

I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13