damik's Diaryland Diary

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So I'm not hired on

OK so I found out that I'm really not hired on yet, which is a bit of a let down. I was led to believe that my notice was in the mail.

Going to PAX next week and I'm not sure if there is going to be an issue if the offer comes in while I'm out of town. I know I'm future tripping and I shouldn't do that, but I don't want to screw things up. I'm disappointed that things aren't as I thought. Boo. I guess it kind of feels like the rug was pulled out of under me. I am confused though because I'm in the subfinder system as a regular employee not as a sub. I don't know if that means things haven't been figured out for me sub-wise either or what.

I think I might have figured out part of why this is such a dangerous time for me. Its the dysthymia. Now I'm not being a hypercondriac this time I was actually diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. And its just the other side of where I was going into this mess. I feel good enough to get by. I say I feel OK because thats all I feel, I say better because I'm better then I was. If I say any more then that I'm probably lying. Down time is the devil for me because it is so easy for me to wander back into the dark sides of my mind when I'm so close to being there anyway. If this is really the case and I'm not just making excuses for myself then I still have to watch myself very carefully. My instinct is to keep myself very busy so I don't have time to wander into the abyss but then I exhaust myself and can't help myself out of the dark places. I need to pull out my DBT book and ponder self care some more. I'm doing fine right now, but the job thing was a blow and I almost wanted to cry, even though I know it is something so stupid.

10:14 p.m. - 08-30-09
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older entries:

When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13

Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13

It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13

Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13

I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13