damik's Diaryland Diary

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When you meet temptation and the urge is very strong you wish you could whistle

So I 'm sort of perseverating on self injury tonight. And I'm playing with fire a little bit. I've gone into my unhappy place. I have been lying to him some more. I'm fine, I'm OK, all good bullshit. I don't know why I do it except to save myself from having to try and explain why I'm holding onto a thin thread when I don't understand it myself.

I'm being a pathetic, indulgent, petulant child. I just need to get over this shit. Things are not as bad as I make them out to be. I have a good life, I have a husband who loves me, what the hell is wrong with me. I could understand being like this when I wasn't in a happy relationship, when I needed a neon flashing sign to tell me something was wrong with my life. But I don't need that now. I think I have something good going on here. I'll be getting my job back soon. Its not like they set out to lie to me or build me up to knock me down. I know how the system works and it works slowly. "You will be getting your letter in the next few days" doesn't mean in the next few days. It means how ever long it fucking takes so suck it up.

Am I really letting this bother me this much? I mean I know I was thinking finally things are turning around, but still. I don't think it even is whats bothering me. All day people have been so happy to see me back. I don't understand why. I was derelict on my duties and I left a huge burden for my coworkers to shoulder. How can you be happy to see somebody who did that to you. And for no good reason why. I hate that the whole thing translates to I've been out sick when it's really I've been out weak, flawed. I've been out because I let my feelings get the better of me. I don't do that. I don't let my emotions ruin months and months of work. The time I OD'd in 2003 I went to work the next day. I stepped out for a spell to have blood work done to ensure I didn't blast my liver, but I worked. (OK stepping out didn't go so well for me either I got suspended, but I wanted to be there and I had the choice of going their willingly our having the ambulance pick me up, so some choice.) I guess I can't say that I've never let it ruin work for me, but nothing like this.

Will says its the drugs, its the need for therapy, but its not, its me and my character flaws. If I were a stronger better person I would be a stronger better person today.

I know I'm not helping my cause here, so instead I'm going to watch my ticker pass for a while. Maybe that will be the incentive I need to re-stash my blade. God I'm a fucking idiot.

11:44 p.m. - 08-31-09
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