damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lesser of two evils

Ativan, benztropine, gabapentin, liothyronine, luvox, moban, and restoril.

This is what is needed, apparently, to make me sane. The big problem in the regime is the Moban. It's an anti-psychotic. It helps me to not believe that I am covered with lice or that worms are crawling through my boobies. It works, I tried to cut it down to a half dose but the sensations and thoughts came back. Right now it is just the lice, but I have been scratching a fair amount of skin off my scalp and causing shampooing to be an unpleasant experience.

While I'm on the Moban though I get these tics and twitches in my muscles. I have uncontrollable movements that, well, bother me. I shake a lot. It sucks. I also get blurry vision when I am reading or doing close up work.

So what should I do? Drop the Moban so I have control of my body or keep the Moban so I will have more control over my mind? I want to shave my head to get rid of the lice. When I have the boobie worms I want to do much worse to ferret them out. On those day I need to take a big anti-anxiety pill and sleep the crazy's away.

Maybe there is a better drug than Moban or maybe they can prescribe me something better to help with the side effects. I don't know.

We are moving back to Utah. I sometimes get a sinking feeling that we are moving backwards. But we are going back so that I can earn my degree. I will be a full time student with no work responsibilities. We will be living on a strict budget so we can pay shit off and come back to Cali when we are more on our feet. Will (my handsome husband) calls it a tactical retreat. I guess that's a positive way to look at it. But I've been failing at optimism as of late.

7:16 p.m. - 12-13-09
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next