damik's Diaryland Diary

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I'm not asking for the moon

His strong shoulders slumped helplessly. "Help me," she whispered horsely as he walked away.

I don't know how to lay this blame down. I'm not trying hard enough maybe. I've been sleeping in until 10 and then Sunday I was sick and then I was sleeping in until after noon.

I'm afraid of math. How stupid is that? I trudge through the "homework" hating how I have to claw my way through. So each day I do less work and more staring at the screen wanting to cry, but I can't because it isn't like I'm doing any real work anyway so what have I got to be upset about.

Every day I want to be OK. I want to be happy about this wonderful opportunity he has given me. I worry that he resents me. I worry that I am an anchor around his neck dragging him down. I worry that I will get through all of my school and I won't want to work, just like I don't want my future, and I will be a leech for the rest of my life.

The thing is if I killed myself tomorrow I would have been a leech for the rest of my life.

OK so I pretend to be fine. Each day as I scramble to hold my self together I search for reasons to fall apart. So what was my reason tonight? Maybe I slept in too late, maybe I had too much sugar. Maybe my headache has lasted just a bit too long. Maybe I don't have a reason and that is the most frustrating of all. That I could just be fucked up again.

So what do I need to do about it. I need to find out what is going on with my insurance. I need to review my meds with a qualified mental health professional. I need to do things I enjoy doing. I need to act like a freakin adult and stop throwing childish little tantrums.

Thirty is looming and it is sending me into a crisis. Not for how old I am, for how much time has passed, but for how little it has. I might have another fifty, fifty-five - sixty years of this. That scares me. Will I be this person for the rest of my life? What kind of person do I want to be? I'm not searching for 'happy', I just want to, on a quiet day, be able to sit by myself and like the person I'm with.

11:45 p.m. - 02-23-10
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