damik's Diaryland Diary

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Just so you know

This evening I broke atmo at about 45 miles per second and crashed into the ground. Scientists will be around tomorrow to study the impact crater.

I'm so anxious tonight that I could go out, run a mile and still have nervous energy to burn off. Last night I wasn't thinking about harming myself. Now as part of my mile run, barefoot BTW- I always walk barefoot at night, I want to go to the Walgreens and pick up some blades. I would have to settle for shaving blades not utility blades. I've already learned from experience that the Walgreens nearby doesn't have utility razors. It sucks because the shaving blade has two sharp edges instead of one so it alters the way I manipulate the blade.

But all of that is a trifle when compared to the other "little matter". In my other blog yesterday I said I wasn't in the extension cord in the closet mindset.

Tonight I'm perseverating on my arch-nemesis and disappointing temptation. My arch-nemesis is the geedee bio-safe. I refuse to admit the amount of time I've spent pondering how I could circumvent its security. The safe is keyed to my husband's finger and he is the only one able to open it. Even if I were to cut off his finger in the middle of the night, and he was able to sleep through it and not freak the fuck out, the finger needs circulation to make the reader register. Not saying that I am, have, or will plan to remove his finger to subvert his desire to keep the safe locked. The safe has two two-inch thick bars holding it shut. Nothing like the firesafe where I can use a butter knife to trip the locking mechanism. It can survive the impact of a substantial fall. Inside the safe DH keeps all but a weeks worth of my medication. As for the disappointing temptation I refilled one of my meds last week and thus far it has escaped the fate of the bio-safe. But it is my Trileptal. A quick search of the net yielded the information that the highest recorded amount of Trileptal taken in an OD was 24,000 mg and the patient recovered with little more than supportive care. Now I have 27,600 mg but I'm pretty sure that little bit isn't enough to tip the scales.

OK, but I have a whole bottle of Jamison, surely that will make the difference? Nope. Just useless.

And it isn't until I've had an angry standoff with the safe and an internet search on the toxicity of Trileptal that I realize it is 3:30 am and I'm not sleeping. I wasn't sleeping last night, or Sat. night, or Fri. night. And not sleeping is a harbinger of bad things in my world. Not sleeping means I'm going to break atmo at 45 miles per second and crash to the ground in a fiery ruin. And I don't want to OD on Tylenol because liver failure is a nasty way to go. It didn't occur to me to consider my disordered sleep because I was thinking that things were just evening out after my two months of sleeping 16 hours a day.

The gross thing is, I would totally firebomb my relationship with DH to get to the contents of that safe. I would destroy his self-esteem and happiness so he would gladly give me the pills. I would make that man hate me.

I can't, can't, can't be hospitalized though. I have my sister's wedding to do this Sunday and she can't do it without me. I guess I can look at that as incentive to not firebomb my relationship and OD on pills, too. I must live because I have to do my sister's wedding on Sunday and she can't do it without me. I can't be in the hospital because my dad and step-mom are coming down this weekend, too.

And OMG is that going to be a cluster. They are going to tag team me trying to persuade me to get off of my medication. I'm on tenuous footing with that right now anyway and I do so want to please them. They say the drugs are going to kill me and that the combination I'm on is dangerous and they don't want to see me as another statistic of Big Pharma. And I don't know what to say. I always check the interactions to make sure that it doesn't say "sudden death" and the only time it did say "sudden death" was when the ER doc wanted to combine my Geodon with some anti-nausea. I opted to stay nauseated. I wish I could drag them to pdoc so he could tell them that the regimen is necessary because they just don't believe me.

So the thing is last time I was hospitalized they took me off of my Remoron, I was prescribed that for sleeping and I had already at that point started sleeping 16 hours a day and they cut my Luvox in half for some reason I didn't press them on. I never got around to telling my pdoc about the changes. I just stopped refilling the Remoron and continued filling my Luvox at the same amount because it was $15 for 30 every month or $15 for 60 every other month and hey bonus $15 for Danie! So I could go back to the two Luvoxes (Luvoxi?) a day and see if it staves off what ever this is. I don't think 4 days of no sleep is enough to turn to the Remoron yet, though. I have Restirl in the bio-safe that I can try tomorrow night if I need it.

Just so there is no confusion I didn't stop taking my meds. This ^^^ happened while medicated.

3:36AM - 08-09-11
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