damik's Diaryland Diary

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Waiting wasn't working.

Now I'm not just thinking about stabbing people, or pets. I'm thinking any way I can get away with to achieve blood. Ideas pop into my head, ideas are forced into my head.

OMFG, I'm dizzy, I am disconcerted, and I just don't know what to do.

I have been looking into ways to to get help without having to go to the hospital. There doesn't seem to be a way. There is an audition next Sat. that I want to do. It's extra work and they are going to pick people to be extras in a movie.

I really want to get back on Saphris and I want to stay on Thorazine because it has really made a difference with my depression. I don't know what this is all about. I'm not stressing, I was sick last week. Weds. Thurs. and I start to feel better Fri.

But I still feel off. There art times when I argue with the thoughts in my head, usually when Ron is sleeping. I try to knock the thoughts out of my head. I'll do that when they become most resistant, or too twisted for me to even want to think about. They keep coming back.

And I don't know I can't even put a coherent thought together. I don't know, I cant type let alone think. I keep wanting to I don't know. I want this fixed, I want it to not be a part of my life.

I hate that I'm going through this now this has been over a week. I stopped the Saphris and added the Cogentian and every thing seed to go wrong for me.

I hate this.
I can't see.
I can't walk.
I can't carry on a conversation.
My thoughts are drowned out by someone else's thinking.
It can't be my thinking, I joke, but I would never, it's not me, but why to I feel like I'm going to do it, who am I if I'm going to think like that.

This is worse than when I was considering stabbing strangers who I thought were going to hurt me. This is all wrong. There is a prize for this one, the prize is blood. The prize is appeasing the man in the trench coat.

The last time I saw him was almost two years ago. It was also when I saw the mothman and was certain that something bad was going to happen to my family. Now I am the bad thing that is going to happen to my family.

I want to explain things. I am happy with myself that I was able to talk about it with Will, I wasn't able to talk to him when I was paranoid that he was keeping me sick. I wrote about it and dropped the meds, but he wasn't controlling me so that didn't work, so I talked to him about a week later. But because I haven't been able to talk to him I'm glad I was this time.

I'm going into the hospital. I don't trust myself. This isn't good, but we are going to fix it.

2:16 p.m. - 12-30-12
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