damik's Diaryland Diary

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Here we go again

I stand on the precipice staring into the the abyss it stares back at me and I can't think of one good reason not to jump.
I sit tasting the steal the flavor of powder comes from years of use I can't think of why I shouldn't pull the trigger.
I don't know. I cut. I didn't feel. I didn't get the relief that I neededl
I should be sitting high on the world right now, I just graduated from college. Got my degree in the mail yesterday.That should be such a huge weight off of my shoulders. I mean I did it, I finally did it. I got my BA!
So I have an appt. with my voc. rehab councilor on Friday and I'm going to get back to work I"m going to start to have a life again.
Except what if i don't. What if I aim too high, what if I don't transition well? What if I can't live my dream?
A dream, all a dream, which ends in nothing and leaves the sleeper where he lied down.
I don't know. I was worried I was going down the rabbit hole, now I'm pretty sure that I am. Tomorrow I'm going to call my pdoc, tell him the issues I had with Topamax. I'll tell him about my desire to sleep all the time. I was sick the last few days and I don't know if the proceeding fatigue was part of that. I don't know.
I'm not sure what I would even change. I'm worried that I'm a popper junkie anyway. I take sixteen pills a day. Life isn't supposed to be like this.
I think I screwed things up going on the Topamax. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back to step one with the medi-go-round.

2:52 a.m. - 04-08-13
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