damik's Diaryland Diary

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I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore.

I haven't been taking the zyprexa regularly. My excuse? I don't want to get fatter. But as I find myself at the 7-11 buying a metric assload of junk food I realize that I can make myself fat with out any help from my meds. I have been bindging more and more lately. And yes, a few times afterwards I have found myself purging, too. Slippery slope. I don't want to go there. I sit on the couch white knuckling it to not self injure. But both my psychiatrist and my therapist agree that punching myself in the head is a better solution than cutting, so I don't have to feel bad about that, right? I just have to figure out how to hit myself hard enough to bleed. Besides making me fat Zyprexa knocks me out. I took one yesterday and spent most of the day sleeping, which is better than spending the day wanting to hurt myself. I took one today, but much later than I was supposed to. I don't think it will work except to make me fall asleep. I'm seeing things everywhere. I was driving today and slammed my breaks for a deer. Luckily there was nobody behind me. There are spiders everywhere. I know typing this out doesn't fully express my distress. I feel them crawling all over me. I want to sit in the shower while the warm water runs down and just cut. Cut until I hit triple digits or until I run out of room which ever comes first.

2:59 p.m. - 05-29-13
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