damik's Diaryland Diary

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The reasons that I can't stay

This is about me. Its not your fault. I know I bring you down. I know I hurt you. . The reasons I seem so cold and distant is because I stop and think of each thing I say before I say it. I try to determin the best wors to use so I don't hurt you, and inadvertently hurt you just the same. Just because I've built a wall doesn't mean I'm not dying on the otherside.
I think maybe we've been fooling ourselves that this agreement would work out. I think our relationship has slowly been dying. Maybe it's time to pull the plug.
I need to be with someone who trusts me, and lets me keep part of myself to myself. Its such a strong instinct in me to internelize. And it hurts you that I won't open up more. But for me I need to be able to keep or let go of what I chose.
But most of all I need to know that I am capable of my own hel and my own happiness. I need to know that I can be independant. I have been a child for so long depending on someone else for all aspects of my support. It's not allowing me to grow and find the person I might become.
So while it may feel like I'm doing this to hurt you, to you. I'm not, and that's all I can say. I'm not.
When you threw the glass the other day, when you shoved me, I knew I'm still turning you into the guy you never wanted to be. Your right when you said I'll never find a guy who won't hit me. I can think of too many times when I've begged you to.
I love that, for the most part, you have been able to risist. I love you for that.
I love you, but we'll be better off apart.
I need to change who I am. I need to know I am strong. And I can't do that if I'm depending on you to be there for me.
I hope you understand why I'm moving out, and I hope you don't hate me for it. I love you so much, I can't continue hurting you.

6:20 p.m. - 02-22-03
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