damik's Diaryland Diary

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Perhaps I lost it

The problem lies in the fact that you have to unchild proof the lighters to actully make the smily face work, otherwise you get some funky line thing. On the other hand the childproof part warms up faster so you don't have to wait as long to hurt yourself.
I don't think we are doing so well. That perhaps the fights that keep springing up are indicative of the disease underneath.
I don't understand how it changes so fast. I'm sure I screwed up some how. I was probably my stupid song. It was probably the song.
We had been having fun teasing each other all day. We had been laughing and playing and otherwise haveing a grand time. Then I swear to god to me it seemed like a second later he's getting irratated at me for playing around like I had all day. I was sure he was kidding because of how sudden the switch was. When it finally got through the thick skull of mine that he wasn't joking I stopped and tried to understand why the change. I guess he felt like it was just a different tactic to annoy him and snapped at me. It really hurt me because there have been other times when everything seemed just fine and suddenly he's annoyed and I just want to avoid that land mine. I just wanted to understand so I didn't do it again. From my prospective we went from point A to C and I wanted to figure out how I missed B. But with out his imput I'm just shooting arrows in the dark and I'm probablly going to miss the mark.
So I yelled at him, I don't remember what I said now but the word fucking was in there because it is my favorite word. Now I feel stupid, and I feel bad, and I feel frusterated because I still don't understand and so its just going to happen again and I worry that things aren't going to get better that they "shall sink lower and be worse".
I worry that because of what I am, who I am, I'm going to ruin this thing. I'm afraid that I already did.

6:56 p.m. - 11-21-04
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