damik's Diaryland Diary

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Hurts more then it heals

I've been thinking about the suicide note. Now there has been more then plenty of times I've wanted to kill myself, but I couldn't imagine actully writing a note. What the hell would you say anyhow.
Personally I'm just selfish enough to not say I'm sorry anyhow. I'd hope that my death would at least make more impact then my life did. The one thing I could do that wouldn't go unnoticed. But that's beside the point.
It's like Dear So-and-so,
I'm so sorry I couldn't face life anymore. It's not your fault, I loved you all. The world was just a dark, life-sucking abyss. (READ: you did nothing to make it better) Tell the family I loved them and to go on with out me. (as if) Remember me fondly. (Instead of pale and lifeless on the couch covered in my own vomit)
And then what? So much sentimental shit that is supposed to be of some comfort but instead leave fodderr for everyone you left behind to tourture themselves with? It seems to me if your going to be selfish enough to kill yourself you aught to have the balls to talk face to face to everyone why.
Not that I'm one to talk, I wouldn't have the balls, either, but I wouldn't leave a note. Seems at that point anything you'd have to say would be pointless.
Do people write it to comfort their family, or themselves?
Now, I have on occasion written about why I would like to kill myself, but it isn't a note, it isn't a letter I've directed at anyone to make them understand. It's more like weighing my options, my pro's and con's. Is this really reason enough to want to die.
Pulling off on a quiet canyon road and standing on the edge just to see. If your too scared to stand there, if the urge to take a step is too strong. Just to test how close to the edge you actully are.
I haven't tested myself for a while like that because I've been afraid that I'm one step over.
I almost threw away the razor in my purse today. I couldn't bring myself to, but I did think about it.

10:04 p.m. - 02-10-03
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