damik's Diaryland Diary

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Why do you see right through me?

Ah, how quickly I can stumble. But it's a good thing.
Fuck, no it's not, the main reason I got fridays off is so that we could go out, he frequently wanted to go out with his friends, and I was convinced that he wouldn't want to go with me, but he insisted that it wasn't the case.
Then every friday he came up with a reason he couldn't go out, and every week I hoped for next friday because he fucken lied to me and told me he would.
Why the hell doesn't he just tell me, no, we are never going to go out. That way he doesn't prolong the dissapointment and get my hopes up. Rip it off like a bandaid. Get it over with right away.
He's not even willing to try with me, there are things he's intrested in that I just particapate in because I want to support him and be involved with what he likes, not because I enjoy them at all.
He told me I should just go with out him, I told him first off I couldn't because he's a jelouse person. I didn't get to the second off, because that really made him mad. He insisted that I didn't know him at all, that he's not jeloues.
He's board with me, thats what he said, he said if I was someone new, he would go out dancing with me.
It was supposed to make me feel better, becaues I thought he wouldn't becaue I'm not pretty enough. Yah, I'm not interesting enough is such a step up.
I sat outside for a long time, and every time I closed my eyes I could see the blood running from my arms, and the only reason I didn't is because I don't think I wouold be able to pull my self out again if I did.
I could't get up this morning, it's not that I couldn't see the point, but I didn't care enough to. Thinking life isn't worth the heartach. Just wanting to curl into the fetal position and let life pass me by.
The second of all was that I wanted to go with him, not anyone else. Becaue I want to be with him.

11:37 a.m. - 08-31-02
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