damik's Diaryland Diary

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Sick things 1

Sick things about Danie that she would never admit to anyone in real life.
# 1.
Why I'm not dead yet...
I think I died at 12 or 13 maybe even sooner then that. But my body hasn't caught up with my mind. I'd always been ahead of my years.
So the question is really why haven't I remadied the situation?
When you go to an older person's funeral, someone who's 80 or 90, it's never a tragidy. They say she had a good life A full life.
I've had neither a good life, or a full life. I'm not going to. It's just not in the cards for me. I think I was supposed to get art and talent instead, but I missed out on those, too.
I think it's a desire for many who've been where I am. The cry of the depressed.
I've been focused on my body a lot lately. The strong desire to lose weight. Exerciseing, counting calories, playing games that test how little I can get by with eating each day. I was a beautiful teenager, I think I've said that before. I know I've mentioned how I sabotaged that.
If I hadn't thrown up all those pills a lifetime ago in Jr. High, I would have achived it, the perfect tragic death, young and beautiful. I still have a chance at it. I'm still young. Relitivly.
So the sick thing is I haven't killed myself yet, because I want to lose weight first.

2:29 p.m. - 08-04-02
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