damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do I desearve this?

I don't know what to do maybe I deserve this. I have chatted with friends online. I told mbf (My Boyfriend) about some of the people I have chatted with, and even stopped chatting with guys after he professed being uncomfortable with it. I never said anything bad about him to the people I chatted with. The only bad thing I ever told someone online was that he wouldn't take me to the Billy JoelElton John concert. And still I defended him for that. The only time that I talk negative about him is here on my diary, and I justify that because I don't believe that anyone is really reading this anyway.

But the point I was getting to is that yesterday he discovered the joys of online chatting. He found a girl in Calf. that he started to chat with, he won't tell me what they talked about, but he did tell me that he told her I was going to be mad at him for talking to her. I told him it was OK with me I didn't care at all, but as long as they talked as friends only, not anything more. I trust him.

But maybe I don't trust him as much as I thought. When he was online today he checked his email, and as soon as I entered the room he closed the browser. And acted suspicious. I couldn�t help myself and I took a peek at his email after he left on an errand. It was a note from this girl telling him to leave me. I don't know what he told this lady that she would think he should leave me, or if there was something I have done that would merit his leaving me. If there was something why couldn't he talk to me about it, to have some complete stranger tell him that he should dump me.

I try to do the best I can for him. I try to encourage him and support him in every way. I don't know. I know I have my problems. I try not to get so frustrated at stupid things; I try to help around the house more. If he asks me to do something I will. I'm not so controlling. I don't wig out when he checks out other girls. Though other people believe I should. I have heard such stories of people who won't let their guys talk to other girl or anything. But I wouldn't tell him not to, not ever.

I talked to this lady that he's chatting with today, and she told me that he needed some wild sex.

I'm struggling to find the words I need to write. Sex isn't a good thing per say in my book. Before I meet mbf I was roughly used, to put it nicely. Not just by one person either, not just once. He knew this coming in to our relationship. And sex has always been a forefront in arguments. Sometimes just being touched is like a deep indescribable pain in my heart. Sometimes he just doesn't understand that.

There are people that knew me when it happened. I hated myself then, as apposed to me just not liking myself now. I thought, actually I didn't know what I thought, but I.

I was pretty back then. Thin with perky features. I didn't hide myself. I was coy, arching myself just so. Getting the attention of any guy I wanted. I know it sounds conceited of me, but at the time it was true. I was a pert sixteen year old. I did at times make myself available for kissing and mild touching but I always drew the line. But I liked how I felt that guys actually liked me then. And I was a tease. These people that knew me when it happened they say it was my fault. That because of how I acted, I encouraged it. And I have felt it too. It seems that now when I hate to be touched its pay back for me using people then.

So is he going to leave me now because of my transgressions? For mistakes I made before I met him. Be it mistakes I made only weeks before I met him.

6:03 p.m. - 05-10-2001
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next