damik's Diaryland Diary

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My Vow

Wow, I need to find away to take myself off autopilot. I keep doing things automatically that I don't intend on doing. Like opening this page to add an entry. I wasn't going to do that. But now that I'm here, I might as well. One, I would like to thank everyone who has written in support of my Trevor troubles. Some of you have written to say leave him, some have told me not to hold out much hope. Others of you tell me I have reason to doubt his fidelity. They are all just points. And I thank you for them. I hope you can forgive me for not listening to them though. I don't want to leave Trevor, from the day I met him he is the one I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know that doubting, distrusting, and spying on him are not going to help me achieve that end. Call it a momentary lapse of judgment on my part. I can't change him; I can't make him satisfied with a conservative bedfellow. I can't make him not be curious about others. But I can believe him when he says he will be faithful, and I can learn to be more adventurous. Maybe that way I will enjoy myself more, too. Most of all I can learn to be satisfied with myself. Because if I'm not satisfied with me, how can he be? I know I don't need him to complete me. I don't need him if I want to be happy. But I don't want to be with out him. I know if I'm worth anything to him, he will work on things, too. But I can't expect it all to come from him. On close examination there are area's where we both fall short. I need to respect his privacy.

I know all I write here is the bad things about him. It's enough to give anyone doubts. But there are so many wonderful and loving things he does that I don't even have enough room to write them all. I would have to start another diary. But here it is now, my promise I will not take him for granted. And we will work it out together.

Because that�s all I'm willing to do.

6:02 p.m. - 05-27-2001
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