damik's Diaryland Diary
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Trapped in the past for too long
Got my note book, so here's a weekend entry.
Ok, here's me accepting my mistakes
Mabe I can embrace them as learning experences. And those I can't learn from, hell they're just little wrinckels in the fabric of my life.
I can't keep hating myself for things.
I can't keep hurting myself because he hurt me.
I can't be scared of people.
Almost six years ago and I still jump at a touch.
Fuck I won't walk to the care alone because I'm afraid. I used to love the night. Evening walks used to be the best.
I've spent these years pretending it never happend. Cringing at each caress. Hating that anyone would call me beautiful. In two days I've had no less then five guys hit on me. Find me attractive. Tell me I have a great smile, beautiful sparkling eyes.
So with these complements and flattery, what do I do?
Buy a big bag of cookies and binge. There is no way I can let guys find me attractive.
It's not safe.
Don't get me wrong I want to be preceved as beautiful, maybe not that word, but I like to turn heads. It's been such small baby steps to get me to here and it's dificult not to turn and run back to where I was.
Some times I can still feel it. The vice on my heart. The pain and shame. I will never not blame myself.
I could probably still discribe the gun in detal. The way he smiled at it then at me. Set it down the barrel pointing at me. The feel of his hands firm and insistant. And me not fighting, not running because I was sure he was going to use that gun on me. How he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered how beautiful I was. And how much it hurt. It hurt so much, so deep. Scars in my heart. When he cleaned himself up and told me "that was fun, we should do it again sometime" I thought that killed whatever was left in me. I still use that phrase in reguards to things I'd never- I still say it when I don't mean it.
I didn't leave that meat cooler right away, it didn't warm up after I left either, curled up in the count out room I was frozen. I wanted to lock myself up in the safe room. I wasn't going to say anything but he said "we should do it again sometime" and I was sure he would.
When I did say something everyone knew it was my fault, like I knew it was my fault. I had gotten what I deserved.
A few days later when Trever and I got together I didn't care what happend to me, or who did what. A great way to start a relationship, huh.
Stacy had told him I was easy and I needed a lay. I didn't say anything, I didn't say no, I didn't say yes. And it still hurt.
For four years I didn't know it didn't have to hurt.
It was only untill I felt it so selfless, so gentle. I was amazed.
And in the rest of my world I started to hold my head up and do good things for myself. Learning maybe life didn't have to hurt either. So when I find myself running back, sabotoging, adding the layers again, I don't know how to stop myself. But I need to. I have to stop checking where the bottom is. I have to stop being afraid, I need to learn to trust, to open up to people. And I need to stop hurting myself more then other people can.
Embrace life, I've done it I can do it again. I can accept a complement, flattery, male attention without it bringing me back to that meat cooler. Not all pretty girls get roughly used. And I ca cover myself with layers and layers of clothes and fat but that doesn't guarntee that it won't happen again.
What I want. I want to be strong. I want to always be able to hold my head up. I don't wat to be afraid to smile, to shine. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to be able to walk alone without being afraid. I don't want to be afraid of myself.
So yah, I've made a few mistakes, I've danced to close to the edge at times. I've flown at times and I've fallen others, but I'm still going. If anyone knew how close I've come. I'd like to toast the last twenty-two years. Here's to the next twenty-two.
I'm not goig to carry the regrets with me, they've gotten too heavy. Life doesn't need to be a war. I don't need the battle scars. I'm going to learn and move on.
And maybe someday I won't blame myself anymore.
8:36 p.m. - 02-04-03
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I haven't cut myself in:
Why the Counter
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older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
