damik's Diaryland Diary

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Unnamed

I feel like I let him down all the time. I wish I was better for him. This feeling stems from well... a disapointing sexual experence last night. I don't know how to write this, with out sounding even more like a whiner, with out sounding pathitic. I feel like my body's not my own. For the most part when Trevor wants to get phyical he just bluntly says "Lets do it" or makes some reference to us having sex. Now I've stated it before and I will say it again, sex has never been a good thing for me. So, it takes more then "Let's do it." to get me in the mood. There are times when I would like to be with Trevor, but something always seems to ruin it, we get in a fight, he makes his half ast stab before I get a chance to make my move and it annoys me, or like last night it.... sometimes it hurts like hell. Feels like he's wearing a sandpaper condom or something. I know that he doesn't believe me when I tell him that its hurting me, so many times I hold it in and pretend that I'm having fun, because when ever I say no, or tell him maybe later, or ask him to stop, we get into a world-class fight. Big blow out. The worst fights we have ever had have almost all been about sex. And alot of times I would rather have sex then go through another fight, no matter how painful it is. I'm sure its all in my mind, the whole sex being painful thing, but thats all I've ever been able to associate it with. Then there are the times I say no to him, because I should have that right, and I should have that right with out him getting upsett at me. I don't know if I ever see a therapist that would be one thing I would like to work on, but I don't forsee that happening anytime soon. Another problem is that I don't look good naked, I don't want to be naked, I hate myself naked and there should be a law against me being naked. Now, I don't want to have so many hang up when it comes to sex, and I don't want to dissapoint him time and time again, but I don't want to go through an unplesent experence all the time. I wish I could be one of thoes people who enjoy sex, who live for sex, for whom sex isn't a bad thing, because I can't put it any other way, sex is a bad thing. Sex is a bad thing.

12:59 p.m. - 08-16-2001
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