damik's Diaryland Diary

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Pain

I went cloths shopping today. Not good for the fragile ego.
I hate myself. I want to be barely there skinny. I want to be beautiful.
T.V. is cruel and mocking. With it's "deep" relationships, friendships, and lives, and beautiful skinny women who deserve that kind of life.
Sometimes this pain I'm feeling this loneliness, is so bad it hurts. It actually physically hurts, I feel like my chest is going to crush my heart, I feel like I can't breath.
And then I feel nothing, nothing feels better.
I just want life to pass me by, I want it to be over.

5:19 p.m. - 04-27-02
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Pain

I wear my pain like a badge on my arm. Screaming for the world to see. To care. When I say that I don't do it for attention thats not entiarly true. For the most part yes, I do it for myself. For the control I get. For the power I have. For the same reasons I manipulated some of the abuse I had in my past. Because I need to not be helpless. But on another level I want people to notice. I don't want to be told I'm stupid. I don't want to be told I'm a freak. I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel like some one cares. I don't wat to feel so alone.

So I wear my pain like a badge on my arm. For all the world to see. But no one notices. The scars are undeniably purpousful. And yet somehow poeple will still believe. It was a cat. It was a prickly bush. It was whatever. I could probably say I was cutin some sort of bazaar alien ritual and some people will accept it. And some times I'm glad the do. Sometimes I'm glad they do. Sometimes its a great relief to me. But some times I wonder why. I don't understand how people can be so accepting. Why they don't say hay, wait a minute.

1:29 p.m. - 07-14-2001
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