damik's Diaryland Diary

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Falling short, failing

I was driving home today, stopped at a red light, when I noticed the pretty blue veins in my arm. Not the first time I've noticed them, but. I got the notion to cut. Not to die, not to bleed out, or anything like that, just to see the blood turn red and spread.
I wasn't lying when I said I felt a bit better today. But just because I feel a bit better doesn't mean I'm anywhere close to good.
He'll put up with a lot when he knows I'm in this mood. Miles will. He hops into my lap and I hold him so tightly his purr becomes strangled, any other time I would earn a bite for that, but he stays, still purring as best as he can. He's very empathetic.
Fuck, I don't know, I don't think I'm going to win this one. I played the game, I waited fifteen mins. I tried to talk it through, distractions, anything for it to pass. Nothing made me feel real, nothing eliminated the urge. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to resist. I hate that I failed again. And I don't even have the courage to try again right now because there is still blood to shed.
I find myself being a person I don't want to be, I cried in Will's arms last night. He held me and I cried. All I see is me being weak. And I can't explain what my actions did to him.
It was only one thing of many stressing him, I know that. But as he read my entry yesterday, he thought I failed, too. He thought he failed in some way because he wasn't able to distract me this time. I hate that that even occurred to him, that he would see my shortcomings as any reflection of himself. He said it occurred to him that he was wrong, and he wasn't happy with himself for feeling that way.
He wasn't supposed to try to rescue me, he wasn't supposed to want to. I put him in the position to feel bad because he couldn't. If I hadn't leaned on him in the first place... If I hadn't asked for help when I was beyond it. He said he was going to be there in what way he could, and in my stupidity I didn't see how my failure would effect him.
At this point I'm so evil, I don't care, I'm going to do it again. Today I'm not going to even try, I might not tomorrow either. Its my thing, I own it and I shouldn't feel responsible for how anyone else reacts. God, does that sound as lame as I think it sounds.
Right now, I'm beyond sorry. I failed, and I'm not ready to try again yet.
I'm sorry.

8:45 a.m. - 06-19-03
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