damik's Diaryland Diary

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A blaze without glory

I've been thinking of letting it all go. You know I've never expermented with drugs. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've had a drink since I turned 21. In that respect I've never really lost control. I have though, privatly lost control, in a self distructive frenzy I've torn at my face rippe my hair and hit myself with such force. Trevor holds my arms down and talks to me in soothing tones. If anyone besides hime saw. My face burns when some one asks about my scars.
I want to wrap my car around the first telephone pole I see. Just so I know what it feels like to crash and burn. I want to drink till I get an intervention drug untill I'm in rehab. Lose my entier life to a habit I can't control. Anything is better then this nothing I feel. This unspeakable desprate emptiness. It's so quiet. Why can't desperation be a loud explosion where scores of people come running?
What I'm afraid of is that everyone would come running see that it's me and just leave.

1:17 a.m. - 07-22-02
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