damik's Diaryland Diary

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Suicide

I�ve gone through a rash of emotions today. I don�t even know where to start, but obviously I should start at the beginning or it just won�t make any sense. I got to work on time for once in a long time, the gentleman I work with Mike hadn�t shown up for work yet, I waited as usual to see if he was on the later bus, to see if he had just missed the first one. He hadn�t so I called the office to let them know that Mike was A.W.O.L They asked if I had called him which I had just before I called them but I didn�t get any answer. So they told me to drive down to his apt to see if he was there.

When I got to his apt there was a note on the door. I pulled it off and read it, I actually read it a few times because I didn�t understand at first. It was a goodbye note, and suicide wasn�t the first thing that came to my mind. I don�t know I thought he was leaving town or something, but the letter was filled with too much foreboding for that, I called the office again and read them the letter, I think I had to read it twice once to two different people, but I don�t really remember. They told me to go to the office to see if they would let me inside the apt. When I talked to the lady there she said she couldn�t let me in with out an officer present. Once again I called the office and they said to call the police and get them to let me into the apt, and that a co-worker would be coming by to help me soon.

I called 911. I talked to the dispatch lady for a while, giving her info over and over. I was so scattered about; I don�t even know how many times I went to my car to get more information for the lady. Pete got there and started banging on the door and peaking through windows, we weren�t sure if one of the windows was his or not, apartments can be confusing like that. But we decided what the hell, if it wasn�t his apt the police were on their way and the resident could have us arrested for peaking if they wanted. It was his apt though and he was lying motionless on the bed. I tried calling his apt again to see if he would stir while Pete banged on his window, then I knocked and rang his doorbell over and over. Pete was watching him and saw no movement. He kicked the door in. Mike had taken cold medicines and other such things he had in his house, when the paramedics got there, they said it was probably not enough to kill him, but it would make him sick.

He was taken to the hospital.

I am angry with him for doing that, as selfish as it might sound, for doing that to me. He knew I would come if he didn�t show up for work, he knew that I would find the note, and he had to know I would find him. Could he really think he�s so unimportant to me that I wouldn�t be affected by that? He even said something about me in the note. I don�t really remember what. I�m angry with him for choosing me to be the one who found him. I know I shouldn�t. He probably chose me because he wanted me to help him or something.

I feel like I let him down. That I missed something I was supposed to see. That if I had paid more attention I wouldn�t have been so caught off guard. That I wouldn�t have been so blown away. Maybe he asked for help before and I was just too self-involved to notice. We spend 16 hrs a week together, we talk about everything from the mundane to the grandiose, and he must have let on somehow. I should have been there for him. I should have been there for him.

11:57 PM - 12-03-01
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