damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fire up the ol' time mechine

Fat people are a joke.
I am a joke.
On t.v., in the movies, even music videos. We are the lauging stock of the nation.
When I go running, my shins and calves hurt, my side hurts, my knees, pain. And I know if I weren't fat, it wouldn't hurt so much.
As gradule as my getting fat is the change in my attitude on ED's. At first I couldn't even imagin starving to be thin. Teh idea of throwing up after eating was repugnant to me. Was that when the seed was planted? Was that where it grew from disbelief to acceptance to a salution?
I now have to remind myself frequently why starving isn't a solution, and dread the day my heart won't listen to reason.
I reluctantly admit in the past year there's been a handful of times I've purged after eating- and how much better I felt afterwards.
I don't want to be waif thin, I just want to get to the point where the world isn't lauging at me anymore.
People remind me that there was a time when bigger women were considered beautiful. The remind me of famous artists that captured what they saw as beautiful.
Great so according to a bunch of dead people I'm pretty?
Must I remind people there was a time in our not so distant past when we thought multipul pairs of leg warmers on one leg looked cool?
I'm just saying as we progress we notice certian short commings in our previous thinking.
It's like kids thinking their dad is the most powerful man in the world.
As our prospective broadens, as we understan and experence more. We notice the falicies in our thinking. We see the holes in our beliefs.
Trevor says I'm beautiful, but no one else does. Even those who tell me of our former standards of beauty. I would have been beautiful back then? Great, let me jump in my time mechine.
But, I'm not beautiful now, or you would have said so. You would have said "Oh, Danie, you are beautiful."
Instead of feading me such fairy tales that are somehow supposed to make me fell better.

11:40 a.m. - 07-06-02
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next