damik's Diaryland Diary

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I'm fired!

Well, if I was a daily columnist I would have been fired now, but because of the overwhelming non-response from my adoring fans I figure it's not that big a deal if I fall behind.

I bought the DVD "What Dreams May Come" Saturday. When I watched it, I once again found the death of Annie very disturbing. From one who has contemplated suicide, the idea of that kind of hell is frightening. Over a year ago my cousin killed himself, which gets me wondering if there is an after life where is he. I don't know if he really counts as a suicide... He was a cutter and it just happened that he cut too deep. I know there are those who would argue that cutters are suicidal on some level or some other BS, but it�s really not true. I don't know if it makes sense, but I've been a cutter, and I've been suicidal, and I'll tell you this: When I've wanted to relieve myself of the emotional pain I cut myself. When I've wanted to relieve myself from life I took pills. For me cutting is all about control, its evidenced by the cuts themselves. They are neat, evenly centered, precise, cuts.

I would never dream of cutting my wrists to kill myself, I wouldn't want to leave a mess.

I have toyed with the notion that cutters reveal their pain through their cuts. For me I had no control in my life, so my cuts were neat and precise. Even today when it seems my life is spinning out of control I get the urge to cut. I had a few friends that cut, one of them, her life was all about control. Piano lessons every Friday, swim team meets after school. Her mom wanted her to be a model. Her parents weighed her. She was raised not to show any emotion, 'We don't cry in our family' she was told. There was so much pain, rage, and sorrow that needed to escape. She released it by tearing up her body. The cuts were deep, ragged, and angry. No rhyme or reason to where they were placed, except that happened to be where the knife touched. Another friend seemed to want to blend into the wall. For all her great achievements she wouldn't accept complements. But for each misstep, she would share it with the world. As if she didn't want to be remembered for anything good. I'd be willing to bet she was the kind of girl who imagines herself in her coffin. She wanted pity. Her cuts were slight and superficial, but she bandaged them well. Gauze wrapped around her whole arm, for cuts no deeper then your worst paper cut.

Its just my theory though. And sense I only attended one semester of collage and skipped most of my psyc. classes, I'm no expert.

And my parting note: Someone read this please, please, please! What good is an exobishionist with out a voyeur to watch her. If you do read this I kindly ask you to sign my guest book even if only to say hi.

06:46:55 - 01-29-2001
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