damik's Diaryland Diary

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So, what do you do with the ones that aren't good anymore?

Maybe my problem is I set my dreams too high. When I try to picture my future, its big. I'm not doing anything small. World famous this, award winning that. Not this mediocrity that I'm living now.

The problem with this funding I've gotten for school is that it requires me to be practical. I have to pursue an achievable goal. And maybe that�s a good thing. I mean practicality never killed anyone. It just sucked the fun out of life.

I guess its alright, I'd never have the courage to pursue my dreams anyway. I'm just not that kind of person. I'm the 'small-baby-step' kind of person, I'm the 'put-your-toe-in-the-pool-first' kind of person. When I cross the street I still look left, right, and left again, before crossing. I've never thrown caution to the wind. In fact, I think I still have caution in my lock box under the bed. I'm just not a risk taker. So it seems even though I don't want to be practical, I am anyway. To bad my dreams can't follow suite. Why can't my dream be that I'm the best darn telemarketer ever? Why don't I wish to be the greatest busgirl the 'Chilies' has seen? Why don't I strive to astound people with my courtesy clerk skills?

My first boyfriend told me that its better to shoot for the moon and miss, then shoot for a cow pie, and hit it dead on. But I just can't shake the feeling that anything else I hit will seem like a cow pie anyway.

And now to completely change the subject.

I have found that writing in this diary has helped me a lot in not cutting myself. I know there are other people out there who enjoy telling tales of their last cutting. They go in to graphic detail, some even post pictures. And I'm sure that there are even people out there that just read those diaries for the details and what not. But, to me, I feel like if I were to start cutting again, I would be letting you readers down. I dread the thought of trying to explain myself here, trying to figure out why I would do that again. So I thank you for that.

9:39 p.m. - 06-04-2001
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