Life After Pain

damik's Diaryland Diary

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How its not working.

My wedding wen't well, though the reception was what Will called a cluster fuck, but that was almost three months ago. In that time we have had two near deal breaker fights.

Its because we don't know how to fight well, he needs to walk away, and I need to work it out right away. Its not that he'll walk away and come back when he's calm, he'll walk away and be done for the night. The first fight lasted as long as it did because I waited and waited for him to say something, for him to come out of the computer room and talk to me and he wouldn't. So when I finally aproached him again I was livid and started the whole thing over worse. He admited then that he was sitting there being stubborn. I am giving you space to calm down, you don't be stubborn in comming back.

Then in the other fight he left when I walked off to give him the break he requested, he told me we were over and there was no fixing it that there was no talking about it anymore, that was that, it was done it was final. So I distroyed his smokes and gave him his space. He didn't talk to me again for the rest of the night and sort of into the morning. He may need his space but I need a resolution. So if I was cold to him in the morning? He was content to leave me and the car with out keys in Sugarhouse, let me cry myself to sleep on the couch thinking we were over, I had my resolution he didn't want to say anything to take it back. It was over.

We just haven't been fighting well. Used to the fights have been shorter and more meaningless. Then we'd talk about it and find out it was just a miss understanding on our part and be done with it. But thats not how it was this time. This fight was different at its core was an issue I've brought up before. He gets irratated at me when I get frusterated, when I vent. He says he was justified in getting mad because I kicked a pop machine and he thought I was going to kick him. I said based on his past reactions to my venting if it wasn't that it was going to be something else. He claimed that was unfair, but why should he get the monoply on unfair? When he gets frusterated he kicks things, over turns tables, throws keyboards, his head phones at work, etc. The only time I've gotten pissed at him is when he damaged the Pinto because its half mine and I didn't get mad at him near as much as I wanted to. I admit I'm still angry about that, just because he hated the Pinto and we never drove her again didn't give him a right to damage her. I still kinda think she's groovy.

But the only reason I got mad at him then for venting is because I had a small stake in what he was damaging. Otherwise if I think I'm going to be hit or am almost hit by one of his flying objects I retreat or don't say anything, obviously he's mad. At the start of our relationship if he was venting about say a video game I'd try to calm him down assure him it was only a game or suggest he put it aside for a while. Even now if its something he's looking for I'll try to help him find it even though he won't be greatful, he will get mad at me, and it will frusterate him more so I know I aughtent. But I hate watching him angry and stomping around and doing nothing about it. But I don't get mad at him because he's convinced me its his process, and I wanted to talk to him about it going both ways. I'm afeerd now that I won't be able to. That the only way I can vent is in a locked room in an empty house.

Then he accused me of venting when I was crying silently on the steps trying not to act crazy. Sorry but that one really got my goat a little. So now crying on the steps istle same as throwing a tantrum. I don't know I guess it is hard to tell the subtel nuances. In my mind though crying equals comforting and venting equals woah let her do her thing.

He never touches me to comfort me or anything. I can see in his eyes when he tries he feels uncomfortable. It kind of makes me sad.
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again
When I'm sad I need comforting when In angry I need understanding. I need you to listen and support me lot me feel my feelings with out invalidating them.

And I need us to work these things out before they blow up in our faces.

3:43 p.m. - 07-07-06
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