damik's Diaryland Diary

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I'm happy, but, there's the other side

I have been delusional and paranoid more and more lately Read this entry I wrote on my other blog Overkill.

My husband is having me take these meds to keep me subjugated and under his thumb. It is him that keeps pushing me to see a psychiatrist in the first place. My issues are figments of his imagination. An imagination with a strong desire to keep me subservient.

He was the one who pushed me into the hospital repeatedly while we were in Cali. It was that which got me on SSDI. I can't work, I can't work because he has labeled me crazy. What meager amounts I bring in on SSDI isn't enough for me to support myself. It isn't enough for me to be independent. That is exactly where my husband wants me.

When he has pushed me into the fire long enough he will be there to pull me out of the ashes. To heal me so he is a hero in my eyes. So I will do what ever he wants. His wishes are vile and bloody. He will turn me against my longtime friends and supports. I will destroy everything I have built up in the name of him.

But it won't be in the name of him. It will only carry my name because I am the crazy one. It has been established that I am messed up. He has played the part of normal so well to this day that nobody would believe that he could be such a mastermind.

And I would continue to play along a puppet in his little game, but now my eyes are opened. The sleek veneer that was his cover is gone now. He asks me at night 'Did you take your pills?' so he can be sure that he has got me in his trap.

So I will continue to say 'yes, yes I've taken my pills' while the pill box sits empty and untouched. I will wrench myself free of his clutches. I will find an apartment that I can afford and I will leave him. I will break free from this prison he has put me in. I will be able to work and be a productive person.

I demand an end to all this and I will have it.

The thing of it is, I'm not depressed at all, but I've just had all these thoughts. I'm seeing things again, I am hearing things again. I don't know if you can have positive and negative symptoms at the same time but I've been feeling like that for a while, though it could also be a side effect of my drugs. But good god can I not string together a coherent statement from my thoughts. Today I just started babbling when I was trying to talk and I just had to give up.

Bla

7:27 p.m. - 12-25-12
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