damik's Diaryland Diary

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Guilt

I guess it was an O.K. day considering. I feel so guilty. I don't know why but I have this thing lately about Trevor touching me. I don't want him to touch me. And I snap at him when he does. I have asked him on many an occasion to give me space when it comes to matters of the sexual nature, and I still don't know if its too much to ask or not. Its a highly debatable subject. But, it seems very hard for him to respect that request. Thats not why I feel guilty though. Well it is in part, but the reason is that I have broken him. I broke Trevor. When I first met him he was so confidant and happy. But now I have dragged him down to my level. Now he selfdoubts, selfdepreciates, selfloathes, and has the inclanation to selfmutalate. I truly believe that he should rue the day he met me. I am the worest thing to happen to him. He was so strong, and I was so damaged, and the only mistake he made was believing that he could fix me. And I perpetuate the problem by making him afraid to touch me, to make jokes, to say or do anything wrong, because I'm such a bitch. I drag him down further. He deserves so much better. I can't be the girl he needs me to be. I can't be right for him. And for that I feel so guilty.

2:16 a.m. - 07-24-2001
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