damik's Diaryland Diary

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New Home For The Razor

I was wondering where I should put my razor in the new purse. It's like I can't be without it. I'm not sure I'm getting any better. I miss the control I feel when I cut. I have the choice I have the say it's all up to me.

6:26pm - 12-28-01
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Ya learn something new

Another day went by. I sit here thinking about how much I waste my life. I don't want to look back anymore because of all the dreams I've wasted and all the chances I passed up. I should learn to live in the moment. I have to face Jerk-at-Work tomorrow. He won't even know that I'm upset at him. I will sit through staff meeting pretending that everything is O.K. just like I sit through life pretending everything is O.K..
If any one I knew read my diary, they would be supprised to read how upset and despraite I am, there is just a presious few who really know. Well I guess that's not really true, it would depend on what if anything Andrew told others at work. But like with Bruce I worked with him for six months and it wasn't untill long, long, time later that he knew how depressed I can be.
on another note, it was Jake's birthday today, we went to this incredably icky resturant. Honestly I couldn't believe it was actully open. Their mayo was yellow, if that gives you any idea of how gross it was. But we had a good time.
One thing about my mother, she has never really been a mother figure to me, she was always more like one of the gang. But she kept making dirty jokes, and Trevor was just going along. Now don't get me wrong, I can make sick jokes with the best of them, I'm very good at them. But sometimes it seems real wierd to joke around with my mother like that. I don't know maybe I was just being a prude tonight.
It's funny because Trevor kept making jokes in front of Derek that he didn't think Derek would get. Like they were singing the happy birthday song with the lyrics "You smell like a monkey" Well Trevor changed it to "You smell like my monkey" and he didn't think my sibs would understand so Trevor, Jake, and my mom were all still joking around about it when Derek said he knew what they were talking about, my mom asked him then what were they talking about. He said that some monkeys go "Oh oh ee ee" and the other kind of monkeys boys have and girls don't. Hee, hee.
Then later in the night Derek was chewing on a toothpick. When Anni asked what he was doing Derek answered he was a beaver. Anni asked whats a beaver Trevor answered "Its something that girls have, but boys don't." So, yes Trevor is giving my bro and sis an education.

10:09 p.m. - 07-30-2001
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