damik's Diaryland Diary

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Yah, thats just what I need

I was wrong, I've always been wrong on that point. I'm wrong to believe it, and I'm wrong for letting other people tell me its true. My dreams are worth perusing. For no other reason then because they are mine. Who cares if they seem silly or trivial to other people. Who cares if they tell me I'll never succeed, as long as I stop telling myself it. I need to learn to try. To trust my abilities, to believe in myself.
The great thing is, though sometimes it feels like it, its not too late. I'm only 22. My life's not over now unless I make it. And though I've indulged the thought more then I aught to lately, I don't intend to. When it does finally end, it will be on a good note
I want to be one of those fiercely determined people. I want to be the kind of person who took everything that life had to throw at them in stride succeeded in spite of it, or because of it. I want to live the kind of story they use to inspire little children in elementary school.
And I don't want to think I have to do it all by myself anymore. It�s like the marathon all over again. I'm silly if I believe I can do the whole thing alone.
Life is not a sprint, its long and slow and you've got to take it at your own pace. If the water stations have all closed down, accept a drink from a stranger. Make friends along the way, lean on them when you need to, and push them when they need it.
Sure I could have finished it by myself. I could have gone the distance without the girl I met along the way. If I was able to finish it with her, I could have finished it myself. But it was long, and the miles I did alone were the loneliest. Its discouraging when you don't have some one there to support you. I could have finished it alone, but I probably wouldn't have. Just like I could have gone that last little bit with out the Gatorade the stranger gave us, with out the Runts he shared, but it would have been harder. And just because its harder doesn't mean its better. Just because its harder doesn't mean its right.
It applies to the rest of life. I should allow myself to get help when I need it. In some part I am. I'll talk to Will, not fully, especially when I don't fully understand myself. I cry only when I know he won't see, save one time I let silent tears fall in front of him.
I am grateful to him. He is everything I never thought I deserved to have. It feels like I now actually have some one on the sidelines cheering me on. I still have everyone else shaking their heads and clicking their tongs, saying, "She'll never make it." But his voice carries above that. He's louder, and stronger, and right. He will listen to the same stupid whines I have over and over again. Logicing me through them even when I don't want to be. He's patient. Understanding.
And I know now what he meant about a person being a value, because I can see it in him.

10:02 a.m. - 06-09-03
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I Needed Some One

I needed someone to talk me down last night. Off of my proverbial ledge. I sat there alone in the night, silent tears streaming down my face, cell in one hand, matches in another. The matches won out, I had nobody to call. It was too late to reach anyone. The only not bad thing about it, is that burning myself is still in its infancy, so the six burns on my arm are superfical.

Despairation is a horrable thing, especially when there is no one to turn to. The only one that I knew of that just might have still been awake when I needed him was Andrew, and I don't know if he is a friend or not.

Alone, all alone, with nothing to turn to except my thoughts of darkness.

2:32 p.m. - 07-29-2001
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