damik's Diaryland Diary

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What the hell was I thinking?

I've done good so far, I've thought about SI, but I won't punish myself for thinking about it. I missed my meds for over a week, but thankfully Stacy provided me with two weeks worth so I can get ahold of my doctor. You'd think that he would be all about getting ahold of me so he could collect the money I owe him, but I guess not.
I kind of freaked out some yesterday. Over spilled hot coco and a donut. I'm not sure if it was due to my missed meds or the the fact that I'm pmsing.
I was realizing last night that its been over a year since I left Trevor. I'm not sure if I should have done something to commemerate the event or let it pass silently in the back of my mind like I did.
Which brings up things that are thought about and never said. We have snipets of what could have been a conversation, but, no actul one.
Will is unsure about me. I'd almost say he's adamit about it from the number of times he's reiterated that he won't ask me to marry him. Its understandable, and he's said so, he's weary of the concept in light of what his parents have gone through. Have put him through.
First off I used to wonder why he needed to justify his reasons, not really lately, but more so in the last while. Then it occures to me we've gotten to the point where more friends and family memebers are asking. Seeing as though I'll never actully ask, I'll just assume that he feels the need to justify his 'not yet' to himself and me after someone asks him.
I find that it hurts when he says that he wants to be sure first. I understand the thought. I still haven't accepted the idea that he won't wake up some day look at me and say 'What the hell was I thinking, I'm too good for you.'
I wondered the path a moment before I get to the point of what I won't say...
He used as a reason why he's not sure the fact that Trevor and I were together for six years before I left him. That seemed unfair to me. Its not like after all that time I left him because I was tired of him and wanted to see new people. I spent six years trying to make it work between us, thoes years went by because I didn't want to give up.
I guess in his eyes that speaks negitivily to my charicter. Would my past have looked better to him had I left Trevor sooner? Would it have mattered?
It just seems unfair to me. Trevor and my relationship had to happen that way for me to end up where I am now. Had it ended a year after it started I may have ended up in Cali with my Uncle, had it ended two years or three years later I could have ended up in Oragon with my father. Had it ended anytime that I had no where to go I might not have found the strength to continue without him.
It took me six years to learn what I needed to with Trevor. I learned that I matter more then a relationship that hurts. I learned the hard way to value myself. Though I learned that more by not being with him.
I would never take back thoes six years, I wouldn't put more years on them but I wouldn't take them back either. I just think Will's being unfair.
One last thing to ponder, would the subject even be on our minds if people didn't ask us about it?

11:41 a.m. - 02-24-04
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