damik's Diaryland Diary

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Failed Again

I can't explain why I'm even feeling this right now, why this desire to hurt myself is so strong, what is this thinking that says its a good idea? Hasn't it been a long time sense I indulged this kind of thinking? Is thirty-six a long time? Has it been that long? The scars are healing, why can't I just let them?
So the question is do I call him and ask him to distract me, do I want to be distracted? What is the reason I want to do this? Why does it seem like I'll be satisfied with nothing less then blood?
I'm sorry, hon, I feel like I'm letting you down. I know I could have tried harder, or tried at all. I'm staring out into oblivion. Where, why, how could I have stopped it? How could I have tried? I know how I could have tried, I could have asked for help. I could have let you be a support.
No, I should have worked it out on my own. Without resorting to this. Without letting blood. I hate myself, I hate me for my weakness, I hate that I saw it coming, and I didn't resist. I hate that even now, though I still haven't done it I talk as though I don't have a choice. I need to not cut just to prove to myself that I really do have a choice. I need to not cut to prove to myself that I'm stronger then that.
And still I won't, I won't because I want that blessed release I've found only cutting can give me. I want that control over my pain. Its all waiting to come screaming out. I just need to let loose the valve. I deserve what I've gotten.

11:34 p.m. - 07-27-03
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