damik's Diaryland Diary

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Distruction

Now see if I were to change my "I haven't cut myself in" I would have to reset it now. I sat outside on my porch and burned myself a few times, and came inside and burned myself a few more times. Now I sit hear with objects of distruction in front of me. And I wonder if it is worth resisting. In front of me I have a knife, (well a dagger, really), my trusty, wonderful Tylenol PM's, my long time friend the razor, my new compainion the wodden match, and what I've been secretly considering the eucalyptus oil. Now I know in overdose the eucalyptus oil is poisonious, but, I have never tried it, because I'm just not sure how much is an overdose, and I have only one little vile. Some of the symptoms of an overdose are:

body as a whole:
drowsiness
muscle weakness
blood in the urine
pain upon urinating
no urine output
convulsions

respiratory:
shallow breathing
may also be rapid

eyes, ears, nose, and throat:
difficulty swallowing
burning sensation in mouth

skin:
irritation if exposed

gastrointestinal:
abdominal pain
diarrhea
nausea and/or vomiting

heart and blood vessels:
rapid, weak heartbeat

nervous system:
unconsciousness
dizziness
seizures

I've done my research, I know what I have in store, I know that it can cause kidney damage, I know that it can cause death, and I know that it will cause certian unpleasentness if I do...
One of the most theraputic things about writing here is it gives me the chance to step back from irrational actions. So I can set aside some of my devices of torture and say, maybe another day. Maybe another day.

The dagger is sharp, double edged. It too, I will set aside for another day. Along with my blade, which will go back to it's home in my planner.

I will pull out two and only two PM's to put me to sleep and let me forget life for the night. But not before I strike my match.... The term strike anywhere match is misleading, I have tried various surfaces light the match, my desk, the arm rest of my chair, my table, and none of them work. I find the best place to light the match off of is the tower of my computer. I have always loved the smell of burnt matches, I wonder if now it will always have such negitive conentations to me. The pain is far different then it ever was with the razor. It's instant and presistant. It screams the moment I do it.

11:28 p.m. - 07-31-2001
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