damik's Diaryland Diary

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Or I'm just blowing smoke out my ass

What bothers me so much about this whole situation is that I indulged myself for so long. And that I let others indulge me.
Fuck and that I inconvenced so many other people for some virus that I don't even preseve as real. Its dumb, its dumb and pathetic.
Its like right now I feel myself slipping again. The pits of dispair and all that bull shit. And I want to reach out to some one. I want to lean on some one and ask them to help me. The problem is I've allowed myself to be too vunerable, I've let too many people see me hurt. See me weak. I don't want to need anybody. 'Cause you can't count on people anyway. They'll always let you down. Don't get me wrong, I'll always let myself down to, but at least I'm in control of that.
I started thinking this morning, after my last entry about what I believe. When I started this diary I wrote about the screaming snowflakes and how they were my connection with God. Life has sence changed and my beliefs with it. A time came when I became annoyed with the concept of a god, and especally prayer. I found it, and to an extend, still find it irksome. I went searching. I tried the celtic druid thing, still poking around with that a bit, because I haven't completely written it off. I've tried the faithless, but can't really accept that there might be nothing after. I wholy embrased the beliefs put forth in "What Dreams May Come" and might again if I reread the book.
At this point I don't believe in a heaven or a hell, I don't believe in any kind of devine judgement. I think if there ever was some kind of god he/she/it wouldn't give a flying fuck about us insignificant humans. But I do believe in a soul, in some inner part of us that we leave behind. The residual energy that makes up our matter.
I believe I make my own world. That my actions and reactions create what I experence. That I am soley responcible for how myself and my small sphere around me have shaped up to be. I am limited right now in how I shape it, because I don't understand how deaply I can. But it is all me.
I surround myself with friends and family who together directly affect a larger sphere and the posiballities are endless in changes as larger and larger groups work togeter. People are starving in third world countries, not because God hates them, but because there hasn't been a large enough consentrated energy force to change it. I don't know exactlly what I'm saying, except that we aren't as helpless as we feel. And I don't need the security blanket of God anymore.

2:10 p.m. - 05-15-03
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