damik's Diaryland Diary

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When in doubt, follow the moose

I didn't think I'd have a chance to update today, but I showered a lot faster then I thought I would. Then it is faster when your showering alone.
Well, Will started his own diary. Shits and giggles as it were, I don't forsee him keeping up on it, I most likely won't even add him to my favs because I'm sure it will fall out of being in a short period of time anyhow. Don't get me wrong, he's a great writer, but the whole diary concept doesn't seem to appeal to him. Not his style or some shit. He wrote about me in his first entery. I thought it was sweet, its posted here.
He read through some of mine. There are some historical ones that I'm not looking forward to him reading. Where I felt childish, and let myself get away from myself. But thats where I was at the time, there is no denying it. There is no point.
I must admit I'm a little scared myself, now. I've tried not to be. I've tried to pack it away into that dark dusty corner where I don't have to think about it, but I can't. Already I've let myself get too far away from myself again. I've let things feel too good. I know its a terrible way to put it about a relationship. I know I can't come close to expressing it the way I really feel. The nearest I can come is stating that I'm worried about the return on investement. And it just sounds wrong. I could lose myself in his eyes. It feels so good I start to doubt that it is actually real.
I have to wonder if I'm letting myself feel things too fast. This isn't a movie, we don't have to cram so many emotions into a short period of time. I can't lose myself, I can't start doubting again.
Can I believe that he will ever care for me as deeply as I never belived I deserved. Is he capable of that? Am I worth that? Is three weeks much too soon to be wondering about that at all?
I'm not wondering about love, love cost too much and leaves you with nothing. I'm wondering what I did to deserve feeling this good, and what this strange feeling will cost me. That doesn't sound right either. I just know I can't trust what I'm feeling, because I've been hurt before. It was eaiser when the guys just wanted to fuck me and cast me aside. Then I knew what I was worth. And what I would lose.

3:55 p.m. - 05-17-03
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