damik's Diaryland Diary

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I couldn't care less, I couldn't care more.

I guess I have to clarify, I must of sounded like a comments hoar yesterday, because I got some comments about it.
I don't write for comments, I was just saying that it's symptomatic of my repetitive entries. And my repetitive entries are symtomatic of the fact that my life is going no where. I don't want to be doing the same thing over and over.
Every year I wonder if I'm going to make it through the winter, every year I get so depressed. I just hope I can see it through.
This year I don't, I couln't care less if I survived this winter, I couldn't care at all.
All I can see is a large, dark, endless hell in front of me. And I can't see anything else. I can't see it getting better.
Some one discribed me, on the basis of my diary ad as a whiney, self involved, teeny-bopper, bitch. While I object to teeny-bopper, (makes me wonder if they even clicked on the link before getting all judgemental) maybe the rest fits.
I sit here and try to find comfort in something. When I was younger I had this obsession with Tylonle. I'd take it by the handfull for my "pain". Some none discript hurt I was suffering from. Didn't say that I was taking it to fill the void, because I longed for something to make me feel better. If I could have gotten my hands on something stronger, I have no doubt I would have taken it. I just ran with the wrong crowd.
I kept taking the pain relevers untill I took an overdose. Scared me because I was the only one who knew I had lost control. My mother just though I was sick. But if I hadn't gotten sick that night, I don't think anyone would have understood why.
Today I see the same path looming ahead of me. Ibuprofen, skelaxin, celebrex, and lortab have replaced the Tylonal, and I have yet to build to the extream doses I once took, but the path is still the same.
So forgive me if I lement that I've been here before. Pardon me if I hate the fucken circle, and the fact that I'm scared. That it seems so damn endless. That it seems so damn pointless. I've been here before, and I had hoped I had moved on, not taken another path that would lead me right back to where I had already been. If I'm just going to go in a circle forever, why don't I just quit?
I didn't want to be here again, I didn't want to write about it again, I didn't want to experence it again. I just wanted it to be over.

11:01 p.m. - 10-03-02
2 comments

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