damik's Diaryland Diary
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Dusting off the past: Falling Apart
Written before I overdosed in September.
How do you prepare to fall apart? Its quite simple first I change my shirt, this one has ben worn so thin you can see my bra through the blue fabric. But the tee doesn't go with it so I change to the brown one. The tee I wear with this one is out in the car. It looks good enough by its self to almost wear it this way, but I need the shirt. Just because you are falling apart doesn't mean you can't look your best doing it. Its very delibrate.Sometimes you don't know how you've fallen apart. But I know exactly how I got here. I found a blade in a box of memories, unrusted. An old friend I'd all but forgotten about. One that used to be in my purse. The one with Izzy looking at me, chalenging me, do you really want to do this? But she's a cat and she doesn't care so it never actully worked. I can't reach the stars to get them off my ceiling. The man is comming soon to get the washer and dryer sometime soon but I'm scared of him, I'm scared of everything right now. And I'm tired. I'm tired of holding it together so I'm taking the easy way, I look around this empty apartment and I see no reason not to.
I hold the blade to my arm and wonder for a moment how long its been sence I've done this. There is some fight in me left. I drag the blade across my arm relief filling me as the thin line of red follows. I didn't get the relief as much as I hoped, the first cut worked, some, but by the second I realized the blade was too dull to be effictive like I hoped. In an attempt to hurt myself some other way I turned to the pill bottles I had laying around. I took:
20 tylnol cold
23 Ibuprofen
17 Alive cold
28 Prozac
56 Zoloft
The man didn't come to get the washer that day and when he did come he wasn't as mean and scary as he was on the phone. And the overdose didn't hurt me as much as it hurt others.
9:45 a.m. - 12-10-03
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I haven't cut myself in:
Why the Counter
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older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
