damik's Diaryland Diary

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Fears, Doubts, Life, Etc.

O.K. so Monday's aren't a good day to go to the clubs. Most of them are closed. Sucks. Trevor says we can plan to go on Thursday. I hear that's a good party night, because all the college kids are partying. I still think it sucks that I work the weekend now that he actually wants to go do stuff. I don't think I would have gotten a weekend schedule like that if I had even dreamed there was the possibility that we could go out on the weekend.
And while I'm bitching, he keeps telling me about girls that like him, girls that are interested in him. How Jessica is stalking him.
Like he's telling me 'Don't get too comfortable, you've got competition and your coming in behind.'
I could take him bragging about girls and pointing them out to me, if he supported me and believed in me.
I could take him not supporting me and believing in me, if he trusted me, and though there was good in me.
I could take his mistrust and thinking little of me, if he showed me that he thought I was worth something, that I had any redeeming value.
And I could take him not showing me that I'm worthwhile, if he wouldn't come home bragging about girls that are interested in him.
So when he starts to wonder what changed, why it's bad again. Why I'm frustrated in the relationship. That's why. Although at no part in our relationship has none of those elements been present. It's when they are all there that it all goes to hell.
And I know that it's not just him. I know that I do something to set him off. But I haven't targeted exactly what it is, so I don't know how to eliminate it.
It's not sex. That hasn't been and issue for a bit now, but I don't know what it is.
But I do think it's my weight. He wants a skinny girl. I'm ugly. All these women he points out to me are skinny. They do range, yes, from waif thin to athletic thin but they are all thin.
I have diet pills hidden in a drawer, that I have been terrified to take for fear of the side effects. Maybe I should put that fear aside and just take them. If I lose weight isn't the lingering effects worth the results?

11:17 p.m. - 03-04-02
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