damik's Diaryland Diary

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Did I mention I don't know what I'm doing?

The doorbell rang, it was too early for the cable guy, so for a brief moment my heart lept and I thought it was him, not Trevor him, but Colin him. It's too soon to get excited like this. And he may be ignoring my calls. I'm wondering like some pathetic highschooler if I did something wrong and he doesn't want to be around anymore. Even though most likely he just needs space like I do. He sees that its too soon. And realizes we need to slow down. Or he's pissed at me.
I don't know, I'm trying not to care.
My mind keeps drifting back to the other night. And how incredable he made me feel. I said I wouldn't write about this so not to hurt Trevor, but it felt so good.
My miknd won't be still for even a moment. Here I am writing about sex and my eyes are drawn to the picture I've been working on. I like the shading, but it needs something, and the edges suck. I'm going to use blue. Light.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Little projects to keep my mind off of being alone. A picture, a sculpture, writing, writing, maybe, no not Colin. I want to be with him to be with him. There have been some guys to avoid alone but Colin isn't one of them. He makes me feel like I'm worth something.
But I don't know what I'm doing.

10:39 a.m. - 03-07-03
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