damik's Diaryland Diary

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Get Over It

If he doesn't already, he's going to regret being stuck with me. He had so many dreams, did they ever involve me? Sometimes I think back to that little green house we were going to buy, I think back to the children that we were and the dreams that we had... Would we have gotten this far if we had just one glimpse of what our future held? I'm supposed to be living with some one, but I feel all alone. We couldn't get married now, for fear I may burst out laughing on the part where he promises to honor and support me. I know I have so many problems, I shouldn't be his problem as well. I'm never going to ask for help again, because I don't matter- it doesn't matter. He can't be bothered to help me. I'm an evil, manipulative, angry bitch. I've forgotten how to feel good about myself. It's not his fault, I'm a freak. Why do I let life get to me so much? Why does it break me down? This morning I was doing great, this morning I was sailing. Thinking of how once it had been two years since I hurt myself, and how I knew I could go that long again, how I could go longer. I hate using the phone, I hate calling people I don't know and asking them questions. Leaving a message, talking. It makes me sick. It's almost worse then a phobia. I know it's idiotic, I'm pathetic for even feeling that way. I don't know How to make it easier. We have pictures of the two of us around the house. I hate them, they are mocking me. I can't figure out why I'm smiling. I want to yell at her "Don't you know anything? Don't you know four years from now you'll be so fat, you can't stand looking at your self in the mirror. Don't you know that soon the man your standing next to will wonder if he even wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't you know you'll fail? Why are you smiling? Your not worth it- it's not worth it." I want to tell that younger me that I tried college, and I failed. That I tried love and I failed. I want to take away any dream that I had, kill any hope that I clung to. Hope is the cruelest thing. It will never be better. You will never succeed. He will never change his mind and miraculously want to spend the rest of his life with you. You will never be good enough, you will never be smart enough. Nothing you do will ever really matter. And don't ask for help, because it's never going to come. There is no happily ever after, and there is no hope. Get over it. You were destined to fail.

I dared to dream once, and watched my hopes all fail, so what's the point of dreaming when all you can hope for is hopelessness?

4:06 p.m. - 05-13-02
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