damik's Diaryland Diary

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Where am I going to?

It's amazing when I get these flashes of realization that I can do this. That I can make it on my own.
It's comforting to know that. And maybe I won't have to surrond myself with countless guys to keep my mind off things. God I am a fuck'n horrible woman. Of the four nights I've been out on my own I've spent one of them actully at home.
The rest of the nights I spent in another man's bed. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm being reckless and stupid. He just holds me. He has the softest most gentel touch. He feels so strong and stable and safe. I don't remember eve feeling that way. Ever feeling like a guy's not going to hurt me. I could trust hm, and it scares me. For so many, many reasons.
I could fall for him. I could fall so hard, though I'm not in that place and he's not in that place. It's foolish. I've known him for all but a month. I need to close off. I need to.
What I need now is a string of meaningless filings. Notches in my belt of countless guys who matter little to me. It's to soon to let my heart go.
He's too old. He's not too old, but any one whos old enought to be devorced three times is too old.
And ex-wives have their reasons. For all I know he's not really as nice as I think he is. Its too fucken soon for me to judge people. I'm an idiot. I need to back off this thing. I need space and prospective.
I don't even know what we are doing. I don't know what my intentions are, I don't know what his are. Are we just enjoying eachother company? Are we seeing what develops? Is he just there for me to be nice?
Is he just a soft place for me to fall?
He's not. If I allowed it he could be so much more. But I don't know that its what he wants. I'm being clingy and pathetic. I could push him away by being myself, or I could just run away. I wish I knew where I stood. I hate not knowing.

1:02 p.m. - 03-01-03
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