damik's Diaryland Diary

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Where am I now

I drifted off to sleep with one thought in my head, Monday, I have to plan to kill myself on a Monday because that is now the longest time I have between working. My apartment is a mess around me, and I smell funny because I haven't showered this morning. I have no desire either. Ah, isn't the on set of depression pretty? Another day of forcing myself. Of making myself do things I don't want to do so I won't hate myself later on for letting a day go by wasted.
I'm drinking Will's soda from the fridge, because I had nothing I wanted of my own. I'll have to replace it before he gets off work.
Izzy looks very thoughtful on the window, I know it�s a deception; she hasn't had a thought in that pretty little head of hers her entire life.
I sit in wonder that this is my life; it seems so empty and desolate. With dreams that aren't worth perusing, and friendships, relationships, that aren't real. It feels like its all-just pretence. Today I�m just going through the motions. And I agreed to go o some pedicure party I really don't want to. I have ugly feet and wouldn't want to bare them in front of others, maybe I'll call my cousin and cop out.
I look out the window and try to find something beautiful and life affirming, its not there.
Today I'm not going to eat, let my stomach feel as empty as I do, for if I were to start I'd just fill myself with sugar and empty calories pretending it is happiness.
Trace the bricks on the walls with my eyes.
I need to fight this feeling, and to fight it I need to find where it came from. Why now? Is there some ghost from my past reaching up from the water, grabbing my feet, determined to pull me down? Is it that I didn't have a job lined up after the pre-school? Or am I not coping with the changes well. Am I just freaking out because I was trucking along nicely on a straight away and life threw me a curve.
The leaves sway from an ever so slight breeze, I can hear the birds through the windows that have been open since the first hot day.
A thought in my head, June is a bad month for me. It brings to mind that hot summer night I sat in the count out room of Smiths freezing. Everything warm and good had exited my body and all I was left with was the pain and the guilt. Scared of what to say, or who to tell, but the words repeating in my head, "That was fun, we should do it again some time." Over and over in my head, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
But that wasn't until near the end of the month. Am I just gearing up for that?
Then there was the night that Andrew saved my life, though not really, I know now I didn't have enough to actually kill me. What was I killing myself for then? What was I killing the night I took handful after handful of Tylenol PM's, before I chose to purge them and visit Andrew. Was it just that my relationship was coming to an end? That I was worrying that I had wasted four years of my life to something that bared no fruit? Did I subscribe to the anger and hateful words that Trevor feed to me? Or was I letting the ghosts of the past drag me down again?
Then sometime the end of June 2001, I can't pinpoint the exact date; I've hidden it from myself. Trevor put "Change The World" on the CD player. And changed my view of him. In my mind I can still feel the tears running into my ears, me lying on the bed immobile, unable to wipe them away. And when he confessed to me later that he felt like a rapist, I didn't say "Gee, I wonder why." Instead I hurt us both. Instead I assured him that it was ok. I'm a lier and a coward. In my own way I told him to walk all over me, in my own way, I gave him that power. In my own way I told him it was ok to treat me, and potentially other girls, that way. So I can't hate him now for it as much as I aught to.
How long will I let them drag me down? When will I be strong enough to look June in the eye and tell it you can't hurt me anymore? Forget custody battles that started this month. That time in Jr. High when blood flowed so freely.
How can I clean up the residual pain I've associated with this month? How can I learn to enjoy the summer sun again? Its peaceful and pleasant, when will I fell that instead of pain and isolation?
I want ice cream. I want to wrap myself in a pint of chocolaty sin. Forget everything but the pleasure of a frozen treat.
I smell awful. Force myself into the shower, force myself to function. Force myself to confront the demons that I allowed to bring me here. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that once again, I will make it through. That this is just temporary.
I throw up milestone. I track the calendar well now, to the point of obsessiveness. I'm sure people think I'm a bit off, but I have my reasons. I need to know where I am, where I am going, and that I won't always feel this way. I can look at a calendar now and point to a date, see here I was happy. Before all I could feel was the now, I'm depressed right now and its always been that way. I've opened my eyes, I know now that I'm capable of more. I have seen the proof, and have forced myself to remember it.
My cat is licking the Victoria Secret catalog.

12:04 p.m. - 06-06-03
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