damik's Diaryland Diary

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Lost in myself

One of the cats knocked off the container I had my razors stashed in. They are now scattered over the floor, I can't bring myself to pick them up. Will informs me I've passed my 10 days.
I feel like I'm getting no where, and that it will never get any better.
I hate the schedule I work on Saturdays, I hate having to go to work so early.
I'm going to start work as an apprentice electrician on Monday. It should be fun and exciting, and it will be a second paycheck. I hate this.
I was snappish with Will last night. I'm not sure if I should say I picked a fight or what, some might say it was a fight, but to me it was to inconsequential to be categorized as a fight. I was talking about how I felt on the subject of other women in his life and what I wondered if it reflected on me and along those lines, and he started getting irritated. I recognized it soon enough, but I continued to pursue, to figure out why and to make myself understood. I made matters worse because I should have just shut up about it. I should have just let it die. But I didn't.
I couldn't begin to describe how much I hated myself for how I made him feel. Or how frustrated I was for making him feel that way, and him not understanding what I ment by that. And how it could go unanswered. How I could do that to some one and get away with it. I should have been punished. It sounds stupid.
I've screwed myself hard. I just want to crawl into bed and hide away from the world forever. I can't conceal these feelings either. It�s obvious. I can hear it in my voice, the panic, and the lost. And I know it was my own doing, but I don't know what I can do about it.
I know what I've written doesn't make a lick of sense.

11:31 a.m. - 07-05-03
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