damik's Diaryland Diary

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The family requirement

I feel asleep on his side of the bed. His scent still lingered some on the pillow. I don't like that bed without him anymore. Its big and lonely.
I'm hating the five nights with out him idea.
I really wish I could have been there for him, I wish I could have been more to him. I resented the whole 'your not family' thing.
I know most families are like that, mine sure is. But, I guess I got used to Trevor's family and how inviting they were. I was practically family the first day he brought me home.
It led to unrealistic expectations.
I can't even really explain it, either, I know I'm sounding stupid and not finding my point. Its like they see me as temporery. If they still see me as temporery, then maybe I am. That all our grand talks of moving to California together, planning the next two years- five years- lifetime together doesn't really mean a thing.
I'm just the fringe of their son's life.
I know my family does the same thing. I resented my stepmother telling me that I would spend years on my own finding myself before I got into my next relationship. I wanted to scream at her that I was in a relationship that I no longer thought of in terms of our potential or possible future, instead I think of it as just our future.
My family, immedeate only, dispite thier claims of a laidback, accepting of personal choice, attatide still places as much importance on that little piece of paper and ceramony.
Will asked me a while back if it was important to me. While I know it is, I've been trying to figure out the reasons why. I worry that they are bad reasons. Is the little girl fanticy bad? Is it bad that the novalty of a elegant white dress and my daddy walking me down the isle is the first thing I list?
I've always felt so temperory in my relationships, like I could be cast aside at a moments notice for no other reason but whim. Is the idea that he would proclame in front of friends and family that he choses for no reason but his own to be with me the rest of his life, as a basis of importance to want the ceremony I don't know, stupid, childish, wrong? Unnessessary?
Or the symbolisam I've embraced from the traditions of old. It is important to me that the bands be soild and unbroken in their design, because it was a Roman belief that the rings were a reflection of the mariage itself. And my white dress, not the Christian symbol of purity, but the Roman symbol of happiness. Maybe just a carry-over of pagen beliefs I never accepted, or a strong desier to want to control my own destiny and shape my own happiness. I'm not sure. Nor am I sure that it is a good reason to want to get married.
I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, sharing triumphs and sorrow. Supporting him and being supported by him. Encouraging him and following his encouragement. Growing with him and learning from him. Enjoying sharing company with a man I never tire being with. In this day and age thoes are no longer good reasons to get married. You get married because you got knocked up and don't believe in abortion, you get married because sociaty dictates you should. You don't get married for love, you don't do it just for the strong desiere to spend the rest of your life with your love. You do it because you don't believe in sex before marriage and you are horney.
So I suppose I don't have a good reason.
And I suppose that its an unnesessary next step.
I miss him.

10:56 a.m. - 05-09-04
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