damik's Diaryland Diary

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Some Things the Heart Just Can't Let Go

It's funny how things creep up on you.
Mile stones.
With out even thinking about it. It may not have been a cause, it may just be. But lately I haven't been able to get that day out of my mind. I remember the details clearly. The pain in my stomach has dulled a bit when I think about it. I've yet to convince myself that I didn't deserve what happened. Quite the opposite, actually, the more I think about it, the more I know I was to blame. I remember sitting in the count out room, how cold my hands were even though it was June. I remember starting to tell Jeff a few times, but never being able to actually say it. Waiting for Keven to come back from vacation because I knew I would be safe. I wrote it all down in a letter, because I couldn't bring myself to say the words. How much better I felt because they both wanted to hurt him. I wonder what became of that letter. And how I knew that it was my fault because the police stopped perusing after they talked to my co-workers. I felt how they thought I got what I deserved because I was a whiny little slut. I asked for it. And when one of them got the courage to say it to my face.
I remember deciding that I didn't want to be an object of attraction anymore. I didn't want to be pretty, I didn't want to be desired. That I didn't care. And maybe I'm still afraid, I've been saying for so long now that I want to loose the weight, but maybe I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. Or I still need to punish myself.
In high school they'd ask us where we wanted to be in five years. At sixteen I'd always say I wanted to be in college working towards a degree. What degree I was working towards would always change. Because I hadn't decided, because it didn't really matter. Because I wanted to be dead in five years, but that's not something you tell your guidance counselor.
I don't remember the exact day, but it's been five years this month. I haven't thought this much about that day since the year it happened. Why did it creep up on me now? Isn't five years long enough to let this heal?

1:16 a.m. - 07-01-02
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