damik's Diaryland Diary
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On and On, Does Anybody Know What We Are Living For?
I try to hold it together, I try to hold on to what little self confidence I have.
I'm fat, but I have inner beauty.
And a cute-ness about me.
A good smile...
But I'll never be good enough.
I made a joke today. It's that time of month. Trevor was a little "excited", I'm sure I don't have to ask if you know what I mean.... And he made a joke to the effect that he would get sex from somewhere else, because he couldn't from me. I joked back that if it was o.k. for him to sleep with some one else, then it was o.k. for me to sleep with some one else. He seemed to get all excited that I was giving him permission. That I was saying it was O.K.
Maybe I should just tell him it is o.k. I can't keep him where he doesn't want to be. One day he will resent me from depriving him of his chance to enjoy many women. This spring we will have been living together for four years. LIVING TOGEATHER not just dating, not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but sharing a bed and a life. I can imagine the regrets he must have.
I'm not the girl he started out with. I'm not the skinny, fun, girl he got to know.
The angry voice in my head:
If I was prettier
If I was thinner
If I smiled more
If my jokes were funnier
If my hair was darker, curlier
If I were more successful
If I were better in bed
If I were only good enough
Maybe he would still love me...
I know it's silly, he still loves me...
Maybe not as much. Maybe not as deep. But he loves me still.
I just feel like every day I let him down. I feel like he deserves so much better. I feel like a failure.
I feel like throwing up after I eat.
9:47 p.m. - 02-24-02
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I haven't cut myself in:
Why the Counter
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older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
