damik's Diaryland Diary

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It's always darkest just before it gets totally black.

November Misanthropic Topic: It's always darkest just before it gets totally black.

Unfortunatly thats how it usually is for me, I go it to my depressions, and just when I think it can't get any worse then it is, it's like something swopes down and takes all I have left.

Winter is always hard for me in that way. It's a dark time already, but in my mind, it's forboding, dark, and endless. Come mid-December, it feels like there is no light left in the world. And then it's January. If you need something to show you how unimportant you are, have a birthday. It's like another year of my life gone bye uncelebrated. I love other people's birthdays, it's a chance to go "Wahoo!" And show them how much you care about them. And mine goes bye with out so much as a tremmor. I turn 21 this year, that's like a hallmark. I'm supposed to get a big ast party. But I won't count on it. I used to push, I used to beg to have a big deal made. I'm going to pretend not to care this year. The last time I had what could even be precieved as a big party for my birthday was because the SuperBowl fell on the same day. But, really, it wasn't a party for me.

But I'm getting off the point. I really wanted to write something profound and thought provoking, but I didn't find myself too inspired by any of my options, though I thought I could fake it, I'm not sure I can.

It's like the days you miss your bus, you didn't do your homework, you forgot the permission slip to go to the real cool field trip, and at lunch the class bully punches you in the stomach and steals your soda money. Then you think well at least it can't get any worse, but while waiting at the bus stop to go home an big truck splashes snowey sludge all over you and you see your boyfriend making out with the school bitch in his car.
Life's like that.

The fates look at you and say 'Hay lets see how we can fuck this poor girl.'

It's like the saying 'Bad things only happen to the other guy, but to everyone else in the world you are the other guy.' The problem with it going totally dark, is after that any light is good light, your willing to settle. Though you have had a fluorescent light to start with, after total darkness, you're happy with a 60watt bulb, and after that a candle, then the light is worth less and less. And your worth less and less.

Today I'm willing to settle for one of those glow in the dark stars. Just one of those little stars to alluminate my life.

12:55 a.m. - 11-28-01
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