damik's Diaryland Diary

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Who have I become

I lied to him, I didn't mean to, but I did. Is it lying when you don't realize it at the time? I've stated it before; I've got whole entries dedicated to the subject. When Trevor and I were together it hurt to have sex. The times when it didn't were few and far between. He used to get so fucken upset. I got so good at pretending it didn't hurt when he was looking, though he didn't look much. He knew, anyhow, and he would feel bad. "I'm sorry it hurt so much," he'd say. He'd promise next time, that elusive next time when he would listen to me when I told him I didn't want to, the fantastical next time where I would enjoy it, when it would be incredible. Even the times when it didn't hurt, it wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't good. We both knew it, I'm sure it was the reason he started looking into other women.
But I lied to him, I'd tell him it was OK, it wasn't his fault, there was something wrong with me. I was the reason it didn't feel good. It was my fault. I told him I was probably incapable of enjoying sex. Now, one part of me did think myself incapable of enjoying it, but even at the time I knew, I knew some of the parts that were his. I hated it how he would only touch me when he wanted to get some. How he seemed to look at me as nothing more that a source of his amusement. I hated how he didn't care how I felt. How he didn't care when I said not right now. How it became an obligation just to avoid a fight and the nastiness that came with.
I think about it today because this morning I really wanted Will, I wanted him last night, but we were both too tired to do anything. Such a change from the girl who thought she'd never enjoy it, who thought she'd never get out of it what he got out of it. From the girl who dreaded it to one who wakes up longing for it. I went from cringing each time Trevor asked to seriously considering showing up at Will's work for lunch one day wearing a short black skirt, thigh-highs, and no panties just to see if I could seduce him before his lunch hour is up.
I don't know what to feel about myself, to think about myself when I feel this way. Its not me, I've never been like this before. I mean I'm a slut, but not for sex's sake, for a damaged ego. Its hard to explain, I don't think I could actually describe what it was like for me. When I was whoring around sex was just another way to hurt myself. It hurt good too, physical and mental. Three of the guys before Will didn't hurt me. Well, two and a half, one of them it didn't hurt, but it sure felt like sleeping with a brother, it was just wrong. But even then it wasn't the same experience I have with him. I could take it or leave it, mostly I took it because I'm morbid and like causing myself pain or I couldn't find a good reason, for myself, to say no. He knows how to touch me in a way I've never felt before. There is so much more in his caress then his desire. I only hope I can make him feel half as good as he makes me feel.
Am I being selfish?
The thing is he was running a bit late for work this morning because he went and worked out with Colin, I made him even later because I kinda talked him in to sex. Or something like that. He said no, he needed to go to work, I proceeded undeterred. Despite his eventual consenting, I still feel bad for proceeding when he said not right now. For not being compassionate to his desire to go to work on time. Or close to it.
Then it occurs to me, am I becoming Trevor?
Am I like him in continuing when Will told me not now. In not respecting what he wanted? My desire isn't more important than his. Its mixed, the pleasure I took from being with him and the guilt I feel for not respecting his saying no.
Fuck I hate me, the more I think about it, the viler I seem to me. The more like him I seem to be. And I never want to be that kind of person.

9:14 a.m. - 06-13-03
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