damik's Diaryland Diary
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And I qoute again
I don't have a real entry to write, I could, but I'm really not in the mood, so instead I though I would share a few quotes from A Bright Red Scream by Marilee Strong.
Cutting is not attention seeking. It's not manipulative. It's a coping mechanism- a punitive, unpleasant, potentially dangerous one- but it works. It helps me cope with strong emotions that I don't know how to deal with. Don't tell me I'm sick, don't tell me to stop. Don't try to make me feel guilty, that's how I feel already. Listen to me, support me, help me.
There are times when I just hurt too bad- too deep for tears- so I cut and it lets out some of the hurt...
...Whenever I'm mad, I find myself to be at fault so I punish myself.
I am not crazy and I'm not a freak, I'm just scared and sad and alone.
There is no hazy line. If I'm suicidal I want to die, I have lost all hope. When I'm self-injuring, I want to relieve emotional pain and keep on living. Suicide is a permanent exit. Self-injury helps me get through the moment.
I feel I have to control or contain the rage or whatever emotion is overwhelming me, and hurting does that. Cutting substitutes the pain inside with a physical pain that I can control, which is easier to handle. The pain is now real, tangible. It can be seen.
It's a good read, though it's a hard read at times. I've had to abandon the book on occasion sick from the human condition. But then as I read it, as I highlight the quotes, it's like yes, that's how it is at times.
There are people who understand me. I just wish there was some one on the phone, or in real life (as opposed to computer life) I could talk to here in Utah. Who would say I do understand. Who wouldn't think I was trying to control them, manipulate them. Wouldn't tell me I'm stupid for doing that to myself. Who wouldn't make me feel worse.
10:49 p.m. - 04-23-02
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older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
